Many parents wonder what the difference is between a bribe and a reward. After all, in both instances, your child is getting something for doing what you want him to do. But when is this helpful in teaching him better behavior, and when is it harmful? parent coach, Erin Schlicher explains.
“I’ll give you an Xbox if you’ll just clean your room!” 

This parental plea might sound like an exaggeration, but it’s actually not as far off–base as you might think.

During my nearly two years as a parent coach, I heard many parents describe interactions with their kids in which they promised all manners of enticing treats and activities in exchange for behaving appropriately. Parents end up feeling as though they are desperately bribing their children to comply. Kids can come to expect something extra for simply executing their daily responsibilities, which can in turn lead to a false sense of entitlement.

It’s important to understand that bribery can become an ongoing pattern that ultimately teaches your child to act out to get what they want.

To make things even more confusing, attempting to curtail your child’s unruly actions by offering a bribe might actually seem like it’s working in the moment.

Take the classic example of a parent who is dutifully trying to get her grocery shopping done while her kids are running wild through the store. The parent is frustrated and embarrassed, so she proposes a deal: if the kids will settle down and get through the shopping excursion, they will each be given a candy bar.

Great, it seems to work! But wait…afterward, the parent is left feeling played, and she soon discovers that this tactic leaves her with a sense of powerlessness.

This is because in this scenario, the acting-out child has learned another method of maintaining control. You can even think of this behavior as blackmail—“you better give me a sweet payoff, or I’m going to make you suffer!” Kids will likely continue to use this strategy as long as it is working for them.

Many understandably confused parents have asked me outright, “So what is the difference between giving a bribe for good behavior versus rewarding it?” 

I’ll tell you what I’ve told them: Generally, bribery occurs under duress—right smack in the middle of a situation in which your child has seemingly sprouted horns and a tail.

It happens quickly, when all you want is to change your child’s behavior on the spot, so you offer him something that you had no previous intention of offering. It is a form of negotiating—and remember, over–negotiating puts the child in the driver’s seat.

On the other hand, the effective use of rewards is quite different, because you are compensating your child for his good behavior, rather than being manipulated and extorted.

To understand how rewards work, it can be helpful to think in terms of how the work world operates. You do your job and complete the tasks that are required of your position, and your concrete reward is a paycheck. While there are numerous other ways in which work can be satisfying, the paycheck is the tangible form of a reward that you receive.

For your child, motivation to please parents and teachers might apply more during different phases of development than others, but for the most part, children tend to be externally motivated by things they want or enjoy.

Don’t get me wrong, most children want to stay in the good graces of their parents, but if they are given rewards regardless of how they behave, the incentive to practice new skills disappears.

As I’ll explain next, James Lehman recommends that parents come up with a list of rewards with their child ahead of time. That way, when your child behaves in the grocery store, he knows ahead of time what his paycheck will be—and so will you.

Pairing James Lehman’s concept of Strategic Recognition and Affection with tangible rewards (the child’s version of the paycheck) is one of the most effective ways to reinforce appropriate behavior.

This is the use of sincere praise, along with a genuine pat on the back when your child makes progress on something which is difficult for him.

Next, add concrete rewards that are of a currency that your child values to complete the picture. You know what your child likes—maybe it’s video games, television, art supplies, or sleep–overs with friends.

Try making a list of incentives that your child can earn on a daily basis, in addition to “bigger ticket” items that they could achieve over time.

Again, have your child participate in the creation of this list. Helping to keep your child’s “eye on the prize” while serving as his supportive coach during moments when he begins to digress, can create significant results.

Whenever possible, determine most rewards ahead of time, be clear with behavioral expectations and do not forget the crucial teaching component.

It is important to understand that we cannot expect kids to do something differently if they do not know how.

Your child’s behavior can often be linked to the developmental stage he is moving through.

Keeping this in mind is significant because it helps us soften our view.

In other words, it’s not that kids are always deviously acting out—they may just be exercising an undesirable method of accomplishing a developmentally normal task.

As adults, we have made it this far in the world because of what we have learned.

Lend them your skills!

You can guide your children to use more appropriate ways of checking off milestones. This might involve problem–solving conversations, role playing, or planned “field tests” that allow your kids to practice the new skills they are acquiring. Being a coach and teacher are two of the most effective hats you can wear as a parent.

In the end, be kind to yourself—we parents are all still learning too!

Taking a look at what behavior you might be reinforcing and how you are reinforcing it may lead to a change in your approach and yield better results.

Remember that when you resort to bribery to control your child’s behavior, the price that you wind up paying is actually a lot higher than it may seem in the moment. Instead, require that your child earn reasonable rewards by taking care of his responsibilities and making positive strides in improving his behavior.

​Related Content:
How to Give Kids Consequences That Work
Screen Time: Using Technology as a Consequence or Reward for Your Child

Click HERE to review the article.

Some time ago we had an article about dealing with injuries in our sport and how the athlete can use BJJ as a mode of recovery.

What we didn't discuss was how our mental health is affected when we either suffer the injury or if we somehow contributed to the injury.

In the article, I wrote of an example where the athlete had totally ruptured the quadriceps muscles at the knee as well as some significant ligamental damage and I managed to catch up with this athlete at a recent tournament and have a good talk with him.

The injury he sustained was almost 10 years ago. He was studying to become a lawyer and he was a very good blue belt. 

As the conversation went on he told me that he had been suffering greatly from depression since the accident. He never finished his law degree and had been working from job to job never committing to anything as his knee had never fully recovered. He even sounded like he had lost his passion for the sport.

He told me that the longer he stayed off the mat the more he didn't want to come back because he didn't feel as though he would be the same person.

The pain he would experience in life came and went, and when it was present it felt like it would take forever to recover from. 

He went further telling me that in his darkest he would turn to either alcohol or 'other' forms of drugs to try to make him feel better.

He told me that if he had have gotten on the mat as part of a routine regardless of his mobility, maybe things would have been different.

Seeking assistance with mental health is the same as having a coach for sport. Psychologists and psychiatrists are mind coaches and have their place in assisting with your rehabilitation. They are the coach for the mind.

Devising a strategy to get your head (literally) back in the game with these mental coaches will help you so long as you let them.

The stigma of seeing a psyc should not be negative nor should the individual feel ashamed that they are. More often than not telling your closest friends is a good thing as they may see triggers and help the individual get back on their feet quicker.

The worst thing you could do is distance yourself from things that you love (loved) or people that care for you.

Moving forward it is important that the athlete recognises early their symptoms of depression and anxiety and that they seek assistance as soon as possible as this will help the clinicians better support the athletes' rehabilitation and goals to return to sport. Not only this, having support from physiotherapy and the athletes' coach to get the athlete back to training will greatly assist the athlete in keeping the negative mindset away.

Using the tools available will see the athlete get back to it much sooner than they think.

We have a great system for our kids when it comes to using their Jiu Jitsu for self preservation, specifically the Pee Wees.

As our kids grow and develop they learn how to manipulate people emotionally, use force to obtain things, or even say nasty things that they don't really mean.

This shouldn't be a shock to you, but more often than not they learn this from their parents, more so from TV.

A child hitting a child or pushing another child over should not be acceptable and it isn't cute either, especially if it is to get something from another child. 

If this happened in the adult world, it would be called assault, and people go to jail for these things.

So why do we accept this when a child does it?

We shouldn't.

Yeah but they're kids right?!

Doesn't matter.

We should be teaching our kids that this is unacceptable behavior irrespective of whether they are two years or 10.

So how does the traffic lights help our children?

If you ask your child what the colours at the traffic lights are, they'll be able to tell you; red, yellow and green.

Certain animals and insects are coloured accordingly to warn predators or change colour when they are threatened. 

We teach our kids that red is the warning to someone that is either saying something they don't like to them, or if they are pushed or hit. They are taught to simply say "STOP IT, I don't like it".

In some respects they TALK to the other child, creating boundaries and limitations, clearly informing them that they don't like what has occurred. 

That should be enough for the other child to stop what it is they are doing. If not, then our athlete will move to the yellow light.

In the yellow light, the child will tell the 'belligerent' child to; STOP IT, I don't like it and I'll get the teacher/grown up/parent (depending on the situation).

The yellow light is our TELL phase. They have told the other child to stop and they have told them they didn't appreciate what had occurred. If they persist, the child will now inform them that they will seek intervention.

It would be fantastic if this was the final step, unfortunately in some circumstances it isn't.

What does a green light mean at the intersection, go!  

Green light Jiu Jitsu. 

This is our takedown phase.

The child has, TALKED to the belligerent child, TOLD (tell) them they are going to get help, and, if they persist with PHYSICAL contact, TAKE DOWN to mount.

When this has occurred, the child should then be asking people around them to get an adult. They should  maintain mount for as long as possible to eliminate any further physical threats from the 'assailant'. When the adult arrives more often than not the child on mount will be accused for the infraction.

We tell our athletes to wait until the adult has finished what they are saying. They should then ask the adult, "how did you think I got there?"

This serves as a confidence boost for the child, and will more than likely stop the adult in their tracks. The child should then be able to tell the adult the steps of what had happened and why they did what they did.

Talk - Red, Tell - Yellow, Take down - Green.

We all want our children to be safe when we are not around and this is just one way we can help them should a verbal altercation progress to a physical one.

Let me set the scene; you've collected your child from school/day care/sport, you start to communicate with them but all they give you is one word answers.

AAHHHHHH, you just want to connect with them and see how their day was, they gave you nothing, a damn shoulder shrug!

With the amount of stimulus that our children receive in a day, it can be quite overwhelming. The slightest change in routine can disrupt our children's attitude, mood or train of thought.

I know, you've had a cracker of a day as well and you don't want any attitude, especially from your child!

So how can we communicate better with our children, especially after a long day?

Asking a general question will more than likely see the one word answers come out; Question: How was your day? Response: Good. Question: Did you do anything different? Response: Shoulder shrug. Internal parental dialogue: AAAHHHH 

When you start talking to your child, ask more specific questions to get the conversation flowing. An example could be 'what did you have for recess?', or 'who did you sit next to at lunch?'.

Pretty soon you'll see the conversation start to open up and your child start to engage better.

The same goes with sport.

A lot can happen on the mat. Some days the technique can be overwhelming for the athlete as it can be quite technical. Other days, they might have had some pretty tough wrestles and tapped a little too often. 

A great way to start the conversation off is asking who they wrestled with or did they tap out to anyone.

If you're able to watch the class, you could ask the athlete what the technique was and if they could explain how to do it. That's not only good for communication but their memory recall.

Finally, if you were able to see portions of the class. Let your child know that you saw them do something good even if they come away from training thinking they were terrible.

Not only will you get the conversation started, you'll be providing positive reinforcement and letting your child know that you were watching.

Seminars in Jiu Jitsu are very common these days. Regardless of the experience level of the athletes that consider participating, they can be a way to make your overall experience with Jiu-Jitsu more enjoyable.

Supporting seminars are a great way to ensure your academy keeps doing them. Supporting the athlete/coach that teaches the seminar also helps the overall progress of Jiu-Jitsu. High level competitors who get the support they deserve will keep innovating and sharing their best techniques which pushes the overall game of Jiu-Jitsu to another level.  Seminars are a great opportunity to be exposed to high level Jiu-Jitsu.

If your academy is lucky enough to be able to host a seminar, you may ask the question is it worth attending?

As a beginner you may be focused on fundamental techniques and worry about your current ability. It only takes one technique or movement to change your mindset or game. Being exposed to this level of training can be extremely beneficial.

For more experienced grapplers, seminars are a way to reaffirm their technique or even tweak their game for better efficiency.

Seminars can allow you to explore new areas of the game that you might not be exposed to when you are training with the same people day in and day out. A good seminar can plant a lot of seeds within the academy and cause new growth to take place. When people in the gym support a seminar, those athletes can learn a new approach to old techniques or be able to add new aspects to their game.

Regardless of experience level, seminars are a great way to increase your passion for the sport. 

When it comes to cost some may seem, expensive. But here's the thing, it actually costs your Academy or gym money to get the guest coach to your training facility! More often than not your training facility will lose money getting the guest coach to do the seminar.

Whilst you may be paying mat fees, this doesn't include or cover the expense of a guest coach conducting a seminar.

Having high caliber athletes coach seminars depending on where you are can be difficult to get.  You get what you pay for, cheap isn't always good and good isn't cheap.

I remember going to a seminar in Melbourne where the guest coach was almost an hour late because he was waiting for a bottle shop to open so he could by a bottle of whiskey. When he arrived he wasn't drinking water in the drink breaks, he was drinking the whiskey hidden in a paper bag. The seminar cost around $150 and he was a drunk!

Don't take seminars for granted if they come to your training facility.

It is up to the athlete to research who the guest coach is conducing the seminar prior to making a decision to attend. Your coach should know who the athlete is and be able to provide information about the guest coach. Things to consider attending may be;

• the length of time the guest coach has been training/competing
• what their competition credentials are 
• what their lineage is and where they train

You have to remember, the athlete that is coaching the seminar has dedicated their time to the sport/art and are sharing techniques that have made them successful.

In closing, supporting seminars are a great way to ensure your academy keeps doing them. Supporting the athlete/coach that teaches the seminar also helps the overall progress of Jiu-Jitsu. High level competitors who get the support they deserve will keep innovating and sharing their best techniques which pushes the overall game of Jiu-Jitsu to another level.

​And you just never know, you may learn a technique that makes you the next champion at your next competition!

This is a great topic for discussion as there are several thoughts on which are the best or ones that are the most expensive.

So let's get into it!

The sport of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu has grown into a pretty big beast in Australia with an estimated 35,000 athletes participating in the sport.

Albeit a very unique sport, it has grown with some Aussies making it to the top such as Craig Jones and Lachlan Giles creating waves overseas in the Nogi discipline.

With the sport growing, it has encouraged athletes to test their skills by way of tournaments that are either held locally or in capital cities.

The overarching federation is the International Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Federation (IBJJF) globally, and many countries now have their own Federation under the IBJJF. For us it is the Australian Federation of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (AFBJJ).

All AFBJJ competitions are conducted under the rule set of the IBJJF. But, there are many tournaments that make their own rule set up and it can be difficult to follow them especially if you are not familiar with them irrespective of which tournament you compete in.

Please note that comparisons will be made between IBJJF/AFBJJ and a competition known as Grappling Industries.

All IBJJF/AFBJJ tournaments are straight knock out tournaments. If you don't win the first round that's it for the day. This can be a really deterring factor especially if you have to travel to participate as logistically it can become very costly.

Not only this, some of these tournaments can be expensive to participate in especially if you are an adult participating in your age/weight division for both Gi and Nogi, and you then participate in the open weight for your age division. 

If you lose each match at least you managed to get four wrestles in. But who goes in a competition to lose, no one right!

The flip side of this is that you can be guaranteed that you have a referee that is minimum brown belt and more often than not been a competitor.

Also these competitions are professionally run with scorers/timekeepers, mat marshal's, and very well organised.

Athletes that enter these type of tournaments should be training the house down so that they are prepared, confident and accept the risk of the loss.

Tournaments other than IBJJF/AFBJJ typically are smaller and cheaper. More often than not they offer a round robin style tournament so you are guaranteed to have more than one wrestle.

The flip side to these tournaments is you are not guaranteed the referee knows the rules or is a competent and confident referee having the crowd make the decision for them.

The tournament may not be very well organised in that matches get pushed way past the initial programmed time, timekeepers/scorers may award a win incorrectly, or there may not be enough medals to be awarded to even the overall winners.

I know first hand where competitive athletes have participated, beaten all their opposition in their division only to be told that they didn't get a podium finish.

To summarise; do you pay a premium price, for a premium event and run the risk of only one match (better train your butt off then), OR, pay for a cheaper event, have more than one wrestle, but run the risk of a poorly organised event and poor decisions or administration?

Which ever event you choose, you must; know the rule set, accept the outcome, but train hard for it!

Some people think that wearing the academy uniform is a political ideology, a cult mentality or a hard rule established by the Academy owner.

Whilst this may be the case in some Academies and clubs, it actually isn't the case here at de Been Wodonga.

I'd like to share an experience that I had early this year.

At a tournament I approached a de Been black belt (from another Academy) and asked him what team he was representing as he was wearing a blue gi, unpatched.

Now, I made this approach as a joke. Unfortunately he didn't see it that way.

After a few expletives, he told me that he isn't into that political bullshit and that as a black belt he should be able to wear what he wants when he wants.

The unfortunate thing about this is that I wasn't able to express my thought process to sway his mindset or to inform him that it had nothing to do with politics.

Unlike Judo or other karate based martial arts, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is a unicorn within the martial arts world as it is very relaxed both on and off the mat, more so with the uniform that you train in (Gi and Nogi). 

Humans inherently like to be a part of a group, a team. One aspect of being in that group or team is what we wear. Football, netball it doesn't matter, we all wear the same uniform.

Yep sure they may train in what ever they like but they play in the same clothing.

When people ask me about what I classify BJJ as (martial art or sport) I classify it as a sport, with deep martial arts roots.

LINEAGE

Wearing our team Gi/Nogi stems back to our lineage. And for those that are not aware our lineage is like this;

• Carlos Gracie
• Carlos Gracie Jr
• Peter de Been
• Greg Probyn / Carlos Mascardo

If lineage means something to you and where your training comes from, well it isn't very far from the original source. That being said, the sport has developed rapidly since it's inception.

WEARING PATCHES

Originally our team was Gracie Barra (Carlos Gracie Jr). Pete brought the Gracie Barra team from Brazil to Australia, but after a period of time changed this and our team became de Been 100% Jiu Jitsu.

Within the martial arts, typically your team patch or head 'instructor'/inventor will be over the left hand side of your chest. This is because that is where your heart is. You wear the patch with pride.

Our Academy gi's have three patches; one on the back, chest and top of the thigh.

Note: all our academy uniforms, both gi and nogi are competition legal, where as many companies will make the gi/nogi attire without though of the IBJJF rule requirements for uniforms. As such the athlete will be required to purchase the correct attire should they compete in those rule sets.

RESPECT FOR THE TEAM, RESPECT FOR THOSE WHO HAVE WALKED BEFORE US

Wearing the team uniform demonstrates your commitment to your team. 

Earlier I told you I had a brief discussion with another de Been black belt who chose not to wear the team Gi in a competition. His attitude was that he is a black belt and should be able to wear what he wants when he wants.

But I don't think he thought about his team and what those that are in his team would think. If they also wear what they want then how do you know what team they are in?

With regards to competition, I have my own policy; if you chose not to wear the Academy uniform, you have chosen not to be coached.

Your teammates work as hard as what you do at training. The amount of grit, determination and sweat on the mat helps build the team, helps build the athlete.

Wearing the Academy uniform shows your respect to those around you, shows respect to those that have built the sport around you and demonstrates respect to our founding fathers.

Whilst Peter de Been is our founding father, you should be very proud of where your Jiu Jitsu comes from.

As you read at the start of this blog, wearing the Academy uniform is more than a political ideology. You could say it is more a philosophical ideology and you should be very proud.